How to Click with (Almost) Anyone
Gather 'round, I cracked the code on how to build immediate rapport
Have you ever attended a baseball game with the CEO of a billion dollar company?
I hadn’t either until one fateful day in my first year on the job at Procter & Gamble. That unexpected chat I had with the CEO of the company turned out to be a priceless lesson in making a connection with a stranger.
This happened over a decade ago…
I was a new hire at P&G and found myself rewarded with a VIP ticket to the Cincinnati Reds game, thanks to a volunteer organization I had joined on my team.
Up until that point, my baseball game experiences were modest at best. Growing up, we'd buy the cheapest tickets available and sneak down as close to the action as security would allow. We'd park in the most affordable lot, a good 2 miles away, and maybe splurge on a hot dog or some ice cream served in those little souvenir hats.
So you can imagine my surprise when, at this game with the CEO, we got to park at the stadium close to where the players park and we were offered plenty of free food (I confirmed with three different people before I ate anything just to make sure).
Despite everything about the experience designed to be comfortable, I was anything but. From the moment I arrived at the stadium to the moment I left, I had a strong feeling that I didn’t belong.
Here I was, with my roomiest khakis and the nicest of the five dress shirts I rotated through for work less than a year on the job, in an executive suite, in a room full of important people (and me).
While most people mingled amongst each other, I escaped to the balcony of the suite to actually watch the game (and avoid feeling awkward).
As the game moved into the bottom of the 3rd inning with the Reds up to bat, I felt someone sit next to me. My heart raced when I realized it was the CEO.
I mumbled hello, offered a weak handshake, and then quickly fixed my gaze back on the field.
After what felt like eternity (about 4 minutes), Ken Griffey Jr stepped up to the plate.
“I could watch his swing all day.” said the CEO.
I turned to him and agreed, "I know, right? It’s got to be the most beautiful thing in sports."
That cheesy line led us into a brief chat about Ken Griffey, the Reds' season, and how I was settling into my first year on the job. The conversation flowed… until the Reds hit into a double play to end the inning and the CEO went back to mingle.
Our talk wasn't ground-breaking. I didn't get a sudden promotion, nor was I put on a fast track to becoming VP of IT. We didn’t become best friends who started a podcast all about Ken Griffey Jr. But that single sentence has stuck with me ever since.
Because with that single line, we went from having awkward silence to connecting on something we both had an interest in. I was no longer talking to my boss’ boss’ boss’ boss’ boss’ boss. I was talking to a fellow Reds fan.
One of the easiest ways to be more likable is to be alike-able, a.k.a. to be like someone else. Building rapport basically means finding ways you and the other person are similar.
Consider your close friends and family: they often share similarities with you—maybe you grew up near each other, root for the same sports team, or work together. And most likely, they probably laugh at the same jokes you do.
As Piotr Pluta, a psychologist and humor scholar, says:
“When you say someone has a ‘good’ sense of humor, it usually means they share your sense of humor.”
This isn't to say you can't have a diverse group of friends or that you should lose your identity when meeting someone new. Rather, it shows that one of the quickest ways to build a connection is by finding common ground. That “no way, me too” moment, can easily lead to conversations that go beyond the usual small talk to a more meaningful connection.
Here are three easy ways to find common ground with (almost) anyone and build rapport:
1) Shared Location
The simplest way to connect with someone is over your shared location.
Where are you both, right now? Or where do you come from? Did you both grow up in the same town, country, or region? I’ve found that the farther you are from where you grew up, the larger the region you can call home.
When I’m in Cincinnati, I have a direct connection with anyone who went to Princeton High School. When I’m in New York, I connect with anyone from Ohio. When I’m traveling abroad, I connect with anyone from the US. When I take that manned mission to Mars, I’ll connect with anyone from Earth.
2) Shared Interest
You can also connect over shared interests. Do you both have similar things you’re interested in? This could be TV shows, music, or that one really nerdy hobby you have that you only talk about on the internet.
Small talk often gets a bad rap, mainly because people just aren't very good at it. However, unless you're a mind reader, small talk is your best tool for uncovering commonalities between you and the person you're chatting with. Personally, I usually get along with other soccer-playing, hip-hop loving, Doctor Who fans.
If you struggle in this area, use these tips to sharpen your conversational skills.
3) Shared Experiences
Lastly, shared experiences quickly creates common ground. Whether it's having children, serving in the military, or participating in an activity together like the classic egg-and-spoon race , these common experiences can deepen your connection.
Icebreakers or applied improv exercises are great tools for creating these shared moments. Even if you both dislike the activity, you’ve discovered another way to connect.
This last one is key. “When people have shared experiences—positive or negative—they become closer,” says clinical psychologist Joseph R. Dunn.
We see this all the time.
People who survive a hurricane together feel a stronger connection based on their shared ordeal. Soldiers who serve in the same unit often form deep bonds, as do college roommates who become lifelong friends or co-workers collaborating on a high-pressure project.
And as I’ve hinted throughout this post, humor is an excellent tool for building rapport.
There are plenty of negative or stressful experiences we live through as human beings. But when we laugh or smile together, we become closer. It’s as simple as that.
Researchers at University College London and Imperial College London found that positive sounds such as laughter or a triumphant “woo hoo!” can trigger a response in the listener’s brain by priming us to smile or laugh, thereby connecting us with the other person.
It does make me wonder what other sounds they tested besides “woo hoo”? Does “yowza!” also cause the response? What about “shazam”? Or “kerfluff”? I think I’d have some type of response if someone looked at me and said, “Kerfluff.”
If you want to build a connection with someone (or at least make it less awkward) find out what you have in common. Ask a question or share a thought related to your circumstances. You may not become best friends who start a podcast about baseball, but you’ll at least create a relationship.
We’re going to cover this, and more, in our free virtual happy hour event tomorrow, RSVP here to learn practical tips and strategies for building meaningful connections.
(an)drew
PS. Did you know I’m the one that reads the voiceover? So if you want to pretend like I’m telling a story to you while you work, feel free to hit play!